I am a HUGE Danny Briere fan...this is no secret to most of my friends. I first noticed the diminutive Mr. Briere when he was a Sabre, in 2006. The Sabres beat the Flyers in 6 Games, and Briere scored in double OT against Robert Esche to win Game One.
I hated him with a passion...sort of. Anyway, Paul Holmgren signed him to fend off the restless natives after the season we do not speak of, and he has been my favorite Flyer ever since. Do I also think he is a hottie? Well...yes, that is a given. Sorry guys, women are ALLOWED to think men are hot...even if we are married. Just like you ogle the cheerleaders on the sidelines at the Eagles games. Except for me, and a lot of women, the hot bodies are on the ice. So, I started a Danny Briere fan page in response to being called a puck bunny...sort of a "fuck you...you want a puck bunny? I'll show you a puck bunny." The tag of "puck bunny" is one that I despise...and one that I have fought damn near my entire life. Apparently, it is difficult for most men to comprehend that big tits, long legs, and hockey knowledge can all co-exist in the same body. Any how, I started the page, and holy shit, the boil his bunny, Danny's #1 fan whack jobs came a calling.
Whack job #1 and whack job #2 (yes, names have been changed to protect the completely fucking clueless) would argue, on my page, about which one of them was Danny's #1 fan...have you scene "Misery"? Yeah...these two scared me.
At first, #2 did me a favor, and befriended #1, who had been texting me via Facebook so often that my husband SWORE I kept my phone on vibrate for the kicks. So the two shared medication, uploaded pictures (some of #1s pics are these scary, photoshopped nightmares) and chatted together, until #2 sat on Briere's lap. At the Carnival. Oh, did I mention that #2 thought Briere was flirting with her at the Carnival? Yeah...sure. I love the Flyers, and the Carnival is an amazing event, but it is sort of a hockey strip club. Think about it...all the really hot properties are in private areas, everything is insanely expensive, there is some talking but very little touching, but SORRY ladies, there aren't going to be any happy endings tonight. But I digress..so, whacko #2 sat in Briere's lap, posted the picture, and whacko #1 unfriended her. There was a lot of "How could you do that to me?? You know I love Danny!! I thought you were my friend!!!" wailing and nashing of teeth.
Seriously? Those two scared me, but I had a pretty good idea from the get go that they had issues. The one that really freaked me out was whacko #3. She seemed normal enough. She was a single mom, with an adorable son...named Danny. She SWORE that her son was not named after Briere, but I think this should have been my first red flag. She also frequented the "Girl Friend Forums", which should have been red flag number 2.(If you haven't checked those pits from Hell out, I suggest you do so on an empty stomach.) But, she had a job, a child, was about my age, and had a pretty decent sense of humour. About a month ago, I got a text from her: "If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?" The fuck? I didn't remember getting in a DeLorean and going back to high school, but I played along. She proceeded to tell me that she had created a fake Facebook profile. With a hot blonde picture. And lots of hot friends (that she also created)....and then sent Danny Briere (and the real Daniel Briere, not a fake or fan page) a friend request. That he accepted immediately. Danny, Danny, Danny...you aren't the first man to be fooled by fake tits, but you make $10 million a year and have three kids, you should be more careful. She told me all about his pictures, his kid's profiles....that he was friends with the "real" Flyers players...and was surprised when I told her, no, I didn't think it was a good idea. What DID I think? That bitch needs more medication than #1 and #2 put together, and her poor kid is going to need more therapy than a child porn star.
OK LISTEN UP PUCKBUNNIES!!! You don't have a SHOT IN HELL with Danny Briere. Or Claude Giroux. Or Dan Carcillo, for that matter. No, it's not because they are smoking hot, out of your league athletes. My husband is a smoking hot athlete, and I am average looking, and we have been happily married for 13 years. (The answer to that question is big boobs, and food. My husband loves boobs, I have big ones, and I am a really good cook. Can I get back to the topic at hand?) No, it's not because you are too fat, too young or too old...it is because Danny Briere lives in THE REAL WORLD!!! And I am not talking about the MTV reality show, I am talking about the REAL FUCKING WORLD!!! You know, where vampires DON'T sparkle (sorry Shanna) and wizards DON'T fly. So for the love of God, please stay on your medication, and keep watching hockey. Someday, you might actually realize that it is the most exciting sport on the planet.
Oh, and if you are reading this, Mr. Briere, I hope none of your children ever wants a rabbit for a pet.